Perfection, my illusion

This weekend: Comic Con Stuttgart! It’s my third convention now and again, I’ve prepared many artworks to present my story developement. So, I went through all my stuff of the last 1 1/2 years and cringed much about the „lower“ skill level I had back then. I just thought: „awful“ or „incorrect“.
Then, I also realized that I just can hardly remember the last year, cause time flies if you’re working every day, putting yourself into the „flow“ to forget about the world and live the „perfect stroke“. Suddenly, you look at the improvement you’ve made, but what did you sacrifice? I can’t even realize it’s summer, I’ve never been outside really. And I’ve felt, that my mood changed while drawing. It came subtly, and it’s been too late.

Of course, like every artist, I aim for perfection.

I’ve felt like coming closer little by little, but to be true; you’ll never reach it, when it’s all down in your head, you know?

Despite my improvement, something went radically wrong. Something in my heart gone missing, something really important to my passion of drawing. There was no satisfaction anymore, even if I’ve been drawing for about 10 hours a day, I’d just say: „achieved your daily quota“. At any time, I stopped moving the corners of my mouth, even if the artwork was -actually- good. For me personally, it was just „ok“. If I haven’t finished a piece or knew, that I had to fix a composition, some anatomy or perspective, I couldn’t sleep. I woke up in the night and my head kept spinning, until I turned on my Wacom again.

I’ve pushed myself to the limit. And the nights were as the days: exhausting, only darker.

And now, I cringe to my old artworks; and I regret and feel ashamed, but mostly, I see now: I had fun. This is, what was missing all the time. Fun, and the courage, to make mistakes. I can see just by looking at the past strokes, that the figure is full of life and energy, just ready to tell an awesome story. What an overwhelming feeling this must have been while drawing?

Now I know, it’s time for a new turn! It’s time to enjoy the summer sun outside, to live in order to make my characters alive again. To enjoy drawing, and living. To learn out of mistakes, to improve more healthy and shut down all those spinning thoughts.

Yeah, maybe to be a bit more thoughtless.

Well, see you at CCON Stuttgart and wish you a great day! ❤


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